ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Worth the read.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.