The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
You Might Also Like
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
He-man has a Masters degree
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”