I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.