This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
What the hell is going on?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.