I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
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I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid