you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
i have one speed and it’s mosey
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude