I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here