Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida