How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.