The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Lmbo
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Seems kinda suspicious
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl