Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I feel it
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”