The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Support your local cemetery
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Ah..makes sense now
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.