Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
When they try to steal your moment.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.