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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Pringles
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
who did the taste test?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.