Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.