Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
step 6: release the wall snake
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”