Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
You Might Also Like
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
titanic
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*