Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
this isn’t threatening at all
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.