bad news gang
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.