[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Ken is short for chicken
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Friday
i was baptized in a car wash
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it