[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
being a writer on Twitter:
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.