*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle