Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You Might Also Like
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies