Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.