Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”