My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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#ParentingFacts
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here