My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
when revenge coincides with naptime
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible