Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
You Might Also Like
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Can Happiness buy money?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Venn
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter