Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
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when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!