Nice try, poison.
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.