i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.