It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
it be like that
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?