Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
what’s really going on
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.