Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
They’re on their honeymoon
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…