6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.