Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
You Might Also Like
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.