Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!