To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Dear Lord..
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.