Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
You Might Also Like
Labreador
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!