I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
who will stop them
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.