me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.