Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu