“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
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As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done