My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
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*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.