Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
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genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?