I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Inside you there are two wolves
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Duck typos.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.