Somebody call the cops.
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I feel it
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”