I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
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Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Peace was never an option
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
A small tragedy.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.