If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Hot Hot Hot
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Carpe DM
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this