Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Passed by a old school Math example today.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
What’s so funny?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation